I had many friends when I was in junior high school. One of them was my best friend, her name was Penny. She was very lively and optimistic so that everyone liked her. Besides, she was humorous and had a good personality. After graduating, we still had stayed in touch each other. One day I called her, but she didn't answer the phone. I thought that she might be busy doing something or she didn't hear her phone ringing that time. However, her friends also didn't contact with her. I started to be worry about her and found her whereabouts. She was safe but her personality became strange. For example, she became pessimistic and not liked to smile. I wanted to solve her problems, but she refused my offer of help. No one know what happened to her. Now I hope that she can be the old herself, lives with good mood every day.
1 則留言:
"One of them was my best friend, her name was Penny." This sentence is both two sentences comma-spliced into one, and unnecessarily verbose. You could say "My best friend was Penny" or "Penny was my best friend".
Instead of "so that", you should say "and", and instead of "besides" (a word that is almost always misused by Chinese speakers), say "She was also...". But "lively, optimistic, and humorous" already describe a good personality, so "had a good personality" is redundant.
"However, her friends also didn't contact with her" is strange here. You were her best friend, so you should say "None of her other friends had been able to contact her either".
"I started to worry about her" is correct.
"personality had become strange".
"and no longer liked to smile".
"that she can become her old self again and be in a happy mood".
This is a sad story. But if you really cared about her, wouldn't you go see her and try to find out what happened to make her change so radically? Or maybe you would contact her parents and ask them about her. If she was you best friend in junior high, then you must know her parents, right?
Clear writing. Good.
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